She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
ACED my prostate exam!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Don’t tell me what to do
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.