Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I’ve been learning to cook.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Life with a cat in one tweet
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.