The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
You Might Also Like
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2