In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet