Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
You Might Also Like
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Oh the world we live in…
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*