9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
asked my bf how work was today
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?