For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.