CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
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Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
can’t believe I got front row seats
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.