I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You Might Also Like
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives