I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My first child will be named New Folder.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music