When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
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Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me in tagged photos
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Worst Native American name ever.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”