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Buck naked
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind