ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
i meant to share this earlier
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.