grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.