Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
fired
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom