You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
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2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine