If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
You Might Also Like
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Cat.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up