you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.