You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
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If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.