My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
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2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’m putting together a team
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫