Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
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“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.