[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
You Might Also Like
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.