#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
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Oh boy, $150,000!
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
umm…
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same