Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top