realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
You Might Also Like
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
m’lady
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
your honor my client chooses dare
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”