I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
2 years later
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.