11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“How’s your day going?”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes