If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
You Might Also Like
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
But I really needed water water water
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?