If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
me when I see my crush