My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
this country is so goddamn polarized
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity