Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Cndnsd Mlk
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
“You’d better run, egg!”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed