I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!