I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
You Might Also Like
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously