Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
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9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
water it, i dare you
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast