Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
The answer is funnier than the question
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.