Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you