wtf is an acronym
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will