Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
me opening up to someone
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.