The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
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*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.