Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
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So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.