Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
This a good idea
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
seems like a niche market
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“no gods no masters” = leo
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.