Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
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Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
when someone compliments me
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.