So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that