Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Geez man, take it easy.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in