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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO