son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.