You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.