I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing