I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I wanna be friends with this person
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Cats are still liquid.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him