I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
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My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed