Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
when mom throws a party…
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.